This is from a paper I wrote for a class on existential philosophy. If I remember correctly, this "existential diary" was part of the final exam.
April 29, 1999
Well, this is the first day of my existential diary, and I am not sure exactly where to begin, or what to discuss. I contemplated starting this journal as the Dostoevsky began the Notes from Underground: "I am a sick man...I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man." However, I decided against such a beginning because I really don't think I am as out of touch with reality as the Underground Man; I do have some difficulty interacting with other people, but not to the extreme extent of the Underground Man. I have always been shy and find it difficult to converse with strangers, and many times I keep quiet in large groups for fear that if I do say something it will go by unheard anyway...
I do find that I can relate to the Underground Man's analogy of being like the mouse. There are many times in my life when I fail to take action, preferring instead to quietly exit the situation without confrontation and think of a course of action in my mind. This turns into a cycle of nasty thoughts, doubts, and depression, which ultimately, is dismissed because the time for action has passed long ago.
Wow, this first entry is beginning to depress me. I'd rather not go on discussing this topic any further...
April 30, 1999
Today is Friday, the last day of classes! Boy am I happy that I no longer have to get up early for a 9:30 class. Not that I woke up all that early today, I rolled out of bed with enough time to throw on some clothes and brush my teeth; I really ought to have gotten up earlier so that I could have showered before class. I rarely go out without showering in the morning, partly because it helps wake me up, and mostly because I am afraid everyone will be able to tell that I haven't showered. Not that I smell bad or am dirty, but I just get this feeling that the people who see me before I shower will be thinking "Yuck, look at her, she didn't shower this morning." I guess that Sartre would say that I am feeling shame for not showering, and am acutely aware of the "others" around me. This is not the only situation in which I am concerned about what other people are thinking about me, I typically am very conscious of people around me, and though most times their focus and attention does not even include me, I still feel like I can't do what I truly want in fear that I will be seen or judged. I presume this is what Sartre was referring to when discussing how the presence of the other makes the individual feel objectified.
May 1, 1999
Today was what, after reading Dostoevsky, I like to call an "Underground Kim" day. Much like the Underground Man, I spent most of the day sitting in my room feeling bad and pitying myself. Instead of seeking social interactions that would have helped me to feel better, I decided to leave my room only when hunger overcame me, and even then I went for food by myself. I was in no way working towards Chernyshevsky's concept of self-interest, instead I wallowed in my suffering and loneliness. Why did I do this? I don't know exactly, but it was my own choice, and my own decision, and as Sartre would point out, I am responsible for all my actions, past and present.
May 2, 1999
What a prefect day for the herd mentality! It is just barely warm enough, when the wind is not blowing and you are not in the shade, to constitute t-shirt and shorts weather. All over campus, students who are avoiding their studies grab blankets, radios, friends, and footballs, find a sunny spot of grass free of goose droppings and decide to enjoy the "nice" weather. To me, it was a bit too overcast and windy to be stretched out on a blanket, and besides I have two exams coming up on Monday. It was funny to see the groups of people lounging on blankets in the grass--all were wearing t-shirts and shorts, many of the girls were wearing tank tops, yet when the wind picked up, I laughed when they all shivered violently for a minute or two until the breeze subsided. Nietzsche would have condemned these people for conforming to one another. Since it appeared as though everyone else was toughing out the chilly breezes, they, too, could attempt to ignore the wind and rejoice in being like everyone else. I, on the other hand, had more intelligence and self-respect to wear jeans and a light sweatshirt, which kept the chilly wind out and allowed me to enjoy my walk from the parking deck back to my dorm.
May 3, 1999
Anguish! That is the feeling that prevailed throughout today! Why? I had two finals today, one in SET, and the other in History of the Byzantine World. It was the latter of these two exams that caused me anguish. Anguish because I was the one who chose not to do the readings for the class; anguish because I was the one who chose not to be able to stay awake throughout class (well, not really chose, I just couldn't keep my eyes open; I guess it is really a case of I chose not to get enough sleep the night before class). As Sartre professed, being free, I do not have the choice not to choose. My actions in either case, putting in the effort or not, were still my choice and the reality of my freedom came through full force today in the anguish I felt as I attempted to complete my exam.
May 4, 1999
And here I am at the conclusion of my week (well, six day) long existential diary. I can't really pinpoint anything exceptionally existential in the events of today, but then again the night is still young and crazy things do tend to happen in the freshmen dorms where I have to go to work tonight--or not go depending on what I choose. I think what is short paper has shown me is that I really liked the works of Dostoevsky, Nietzsche, and Sartre. But more than that, it (as well as the course) helped me to realize existentialism is not, as my senior year high school English teacher told us, a philosophy that concentrates solely on death and despair.