...on my office door or maybe floating magically above my head when I'm in my office that reads:

I am not a secretary. I am not a babysitter. I am not the personal assistant or keeper of the individuals in offices that are near to mine. If you knock and no one answers, they are not in. Asking me will not magically make the person appear. Additionally, I don't have a memorized list of where other people's offices are located and what their office numbers are. I can point in a general direction most times to where people in that same department are located, but don't argue with me that you knocked and no one answered because that indicates that you DO know where the office is. I don't know why you expect me to know why they didn't answer your knocking. My guess is they anticipated how annoying you are and are hiding behind the door waiting for you to go away.